Letting Go
by Indy Croft
Summary: Sonya makes a confession and Johnny makes a decision. (I think this rating is suitable, if not, please tell me.)


Letting Go

Copyright 2002.

            All righty.  Here's the newest story.  The characters ain't mine, but they are fun to borrow, that's for damn sure.  

            The roads were quiet tonight.  Soft orange light from the street lamps highlighted the few surrounding trees and tightly packed homes in varying shadows.  At the red light, Johnny stopped the car and let it idle as he waited for the signal to change.  He sighed heavily as he noted the street name.  Take a left, go straight a block, make a right, and turn right into the twelfth parking space.  Go up the two flights of stairs, stop at the first door on the right, knock, kiss your girlfriend hello, and shut the door.  All this was engrained into his mind from habit, and every night it went the same way.

Only tonight would be different.  Tonight there would be no kiss hello, and no kiss goodbye either.  Another sigh and he pressed his hand over his eyes for a moment.  He could just forget the whole idea, but he couldn't keep lying to her.  As much as he wanted to keep pretending things were all right, he knew she deserved to know how he felt.  It was time to take a stand and admit the truth.

It was time to call the relationship quits.

He originally had a speech planned out, a little monologue that would let her down easy, but he knew she would just blow up at him for over dramatizing everything.  So he would just tell it to her straight from the heart that no longer beat for her like it used to.  Things were fine after the tournament, after she cleared up the misconceptions of the Dragon Wing with her superiors, after he boarded up his home in LA to stay here in the outskirts of Hong Kong for a while.  But she suddenly went frigid on him, with no explanation why.  Everything he did was wrong, and every time he tried to get close to her, she would push him away, sometimes aggressively, and lay him out like flooring.  Johnny could never understand why she would suddenly go nuts like that, and if he even attempted to talk with her about it, she would immediately shut up like a clam and not talk for the rest of their time together.  

The car pulled into the small parking spot, the engine died away into silence.  He pulled the keys from the ignition, opened the door, and looked to the heavens for a few minutes.  She never smiled at him anymore; her laugh was non-existent.  She wasn't Sonya anymore, and he was overwhelmed by a deep sense of loss.  He loved her once… and then he learned who she really was.

His eyes drifted up to the window of her small two-bedroom apartment.  She was home; expecting him to come up and do something… not that she cared anymore of what they did.  She was indifferent to everything.  No outing was a thrill anymore; they weren't even fun.  It was just an excuse to get out of the house.

Where did things go wrong?

Dragging and heavy, his feet pushed him up to the apartment door where he stood for a few moments, breathing evenly and organizing his thoughts.  Then of a will he didn't know he had, the movie star knocked on the wooden door.  He waited a few moments but no one came.  He knocked again, and called through the door.  When there was no reply, he tried the door handle.  It opened with ease.  Quietly he walked into the well-lit but practically silent apartment.  

"Sonya?"

The hall was about two feet long.  The closet was at the left, a nice mirror hung on the wall at the right.  Straight ahead was a half wall that blocked off the kitchen from the rest of the apartment.  Walking forward took one into the living room, and at the right were the round dining table and four chairs placed neatly around it.  Past the dinning area was the couch that faced the small coffee table and the television.  Sitting quietly on the tan colored sofa was the female chosen warrior.

She leaned forward and stood up as he stepped closer, and without a word, she turned to face him.

"Sonya?" he nearly gasped.

More tears flowed from her swollen eyes as she walked over to him.  For a moment, she gazed at him, and then her shoulders hitched.  Silently, she leaned into him, wrapped her arms around his waist, and pressed her head into his shoulder.  When his arms encircled her, her body trembled so much that Johnny's form was shaking with hers; muffled sobs reached his ears.  

Johnny stood stunned at the unexpected display of emotional dependency.  Never before had she cried in front of him, even when she was badly injured.  In his mind, crying was something that just didn't exist in her life.  It left him wondering what had moved the strong military officer so much as to make her breakdown.  Questions formed on his tongue, but something about Sonya's grief made him hesitate to speak.  Instead, he chose to be the comfort that she so desperately needed.  And as her fingers gripped at his back in the attempt to pull him closer, he began to forget what he had intended to tell her when he walked into the apartment that night.

For a while the room was silent save Sonya's quiet tears.  Her sobs had reduced down to sniffles and occasional hitches of breath, but never once did her tight hold on him loosen.  Johnny's legs began to grow tried from standing for such a long time, so as her taught body began to relax, he moved his arms away and bent down to lift her into the air.  

She inhaled sharply in surprise but went with the movement, and soon she was sitting on his lap on the couch, her arms circled around his neck, her head tucked neatly under his chin, and her body hugged against his.  Another few small sniffles made her quake a bit, but soon she was back to breathing evenly.  Mindlessly her fingers played with the collar of Johnny's shirt while she stared at the end of the couch.  A soft smile played across her lips when she noticed her body was rising and falling gently with every breath he took.  Her hand moved away from his collar and pressed lightly over his heart, where she could feel it thumping softly against his ribcage.  She loved to feel his heart beat when they were together like this…

Fresh tears spilled down her cheeks to soak into his thin black sweater.  She squeezed her eyes shut and tried to resist the tremble that was seizing her smaller form.  In a minute it went away, and Sonya was able to regain her emotions… at least for the moment.  

"Thank you."  

"Don't thank me," he replied softly when she said nothing more.  "Just talk to me."

"I… I don't know what to say."

"How about starting with why you're so upset?" 

She nodded slightly.  "I was thinking about Outworld."

"Outworld?  Well, I know the architecture there is enough to make anyone cry--"

"When I was in the Black Tower," she interrupted him.  "Before you came, Shang Tsung talked with me."

The actor's eyes narrowed.  She had never mentioned this before, and he started to get a nauseous feeling as ideas of what they talked about raced through his mind.  

"He looked inside me, and he saw everything.  He saw my worst fear and my greatest desire.  He knew exactly what I wanted."

"And what was that?" Johnny asked in hopes of getting at least a partial answer.

Sonya took a breath.  "To be taken care of."

Regardless of the sensitive situation, Johnny scoffed.  "Is that all?  But that's easy."

"For someone who's used to it, sure!" Sonya snapped.  "But I'm not," she continued, her voice gradually softening.

"If you'd let me, I'd take care of you."

Sonya sighed and squeezed him a little tighter.  "I wanted you to… I wanted you to be the man that I could completely rely on, that I could give myself to without question or doubt."

"So why have you been pushing me away?" he questioned with concern, though a part of him was buzzing with pleasure at her last remark.

"It was too much.  I was finding myself to be more and more involved with you everyday, and I wanted so much to tell you how I felt…"

"… But?"

"I was afraid of letting myself become that dependant on someone else."

"Sonya," Johnny chuckled.  "Going out with me is not going to make you any less independent than you are now.  You live to do your own thing, with or without others at your discretion, and I admire that about you.  There's nothing in your life that you can't handle on your own.   When you need your space, tell me, and I'll back off.  Cause I know if I don't, you'll probably beat the crap out of me."

He had expected a small laugh from her, or perhaps a reciprocated insult, but instead she seemed to become more closed into herself.  It made the actor wonder if there was something more that she wasn't telling him, and he voiced his thoughts.  Without replying, she settled herself closer into him and hugged his body a little tighter.  He could tell by the small trembles running through her that she was crying quietly, or trying not to cry at all.  So once again he decided to wait until she calmed down before repeating his question.  It was fine with him, anyway, because he got a chance to enjoy her company.  It felt so good to be need again.  

His small smile melted to a flat line.  Twenty minutes ago, he wanted to break up because he thought himself a nuisance to her.  Now he wasn't sure what he wanted to do.  For some reason, she needed him more than ever tonight, and he couldn't deny the happiness that coursed through his veins.  But how long would it last?  The thought that Sonya might again become cold to him made him doubt if this desperate need of comfort would keep them together.

Johnny shook his head mentally.  Now wasn't the time to worry about such things.  They would be dealt with eventually.  Right now he just needed to be here, as her friend and confidant, until her grief was eased.  So he let his mind drift away to being content with her body so close to his, and eventually he began to nod off to sleep. 

"I'm pregnant."

His eyes flew open, his drowsiness having snapped away into full alertness.  "What?"

"I'm pregnant," repeated Sonya, a little softer than before.  She felt him shift under her, and suddenly she was gently being pushed away.  Her head lifted to look into his blue eyes that were wide in shock.

"How… how…"

She frowned at him.  "I think we both know how--"  

"No."  Johnny shook his head.  "No, I mean… how long have you known?"

Sonya bit her lip.  "Four weeks."

The actor stared at her, dumbfounded.  Four weeks?  "Why didn't you tell me?"

"I was afraid to tell you."  Her voice suddenly dropped to a whisper, as if she was ashamed to be admitting to a sinful secret.  "I was afraid you were going to leave me."

He said nothing.

"You're always so laid back and carefree… you have your whole life ahead of you, and I didn't think you'd want to be tied down by responsibility such as this.  I guess... that's why I got so hostile."  She looked past him, over to the far wall.  "I was just so mad, that this had to happen now.  I'm not ready for this.  I don't want it, a-and I'm scared, because I don't want-want to deal with it by myself."  Her voice cracked and the small drops of salt water began to trickle from her eyes.  "I c-can't do this alone."  Her eyes shifted back to his, and she broke down completely.  "I can't do th-this if you go."

Johnny watched her for a few moments as her composed mask wrought by the military was suddenly pulled away, and she was left raw and vulnerable before him.  He reached his hand up across the back of her neck and pulled her into him.  Her sobs shook them both, but Johnny said nothing about her hysterical state or his shirt getting soaked with her tears.  Instead he stroked her back and held her as close as he could.

"I'm-s-so scared," she choked out.  "I don't kno-know what to d-do.  I don't know th-the first th-thing about children, an-and what's the Army go-going to think about me with a ch-child?"

"First of all, the Army shouldn't think of you any differently if you have a child.  Women get pregnant all the time; it's not a surprising thing.  Secondly, you shouldn't think you have to handle this alone.  You have your friends and your family to support you.  That's what they are there for."  He pressed a kiss to the crown of her head.  "And you have me."

"Really?" she sniffled.

Johnny was silent for a moment.  "You don't think very highly of me."

She tensed slightly.  "I didn't s-say that."

"You were saying," Johnny corrected, "That once I learned you were pregnant, I was going to leave you."

This time, she was silent.

"That really hurts, Sonya."

"I'm sorry.  It's just ha-happened so many times."

Johnny cocked his head to the side.  "What do you mean?"

She sniffled again.  "Girls are always getting pregnant out of wedlock, and their boyfriends al-always leave them."

"And you think I'm just like those guys?" he questioned softly, knowing that if his voice was any louder he wouldn't be able to hide the anger in his words.

"I… I don't know, Johnny.  I mean, it's n-not you.  I just haven't had much luck with g-guys."

Johnny didn't say anything as he let this run through his head.  It really began to make him doubt her trust, a fear he thought she had overcome along time ago.  But her fear was justifiable, he supposed, as abandonment of pregnant women was common.  And considering what he had wanted to talk with her about when he had come over… She shifted out of his arms and sat up, bringing him out his thoughts.  After rubbing her eyes a bit, she gave Johnny a weak smile and remarked that she was going to wash up.  He nodded to her and gave a small grin of his own, which he could tell she appreciated.  

As she went into the other room to wash up, Johnny remained motionless on the couch.  Too many things were racing through his mind, and they were giving him one bad headache.  He loved her to death; that he knew for sure.  And she loved him back, which should have made things all better.  But they weren't getting any better; quite the opposite, it seemed to him.  While she cared for him deeply, there was still a touch of doubt that was weighing things down.  

There was also his job.  What was he going to do about his movies?  He wanted to stay with Sonya, but she was based in Hong Kong, and he knew she wouldn't leave her career just so he could live his.  Yet, he wasn't ready to leave the silver screen for a family life, and honestly, he didn't want to stay in Hong Kong.  On the other hand, if he left her to do his movies, it didn't matter how many promises he made to come back; she'd still think he was leaving for good.  He just couldn't hurt her like that.

And then, there was the child…

The bathroom door opened and Sonya stepped out quietly.  Her face was still red around the eyes, and she looked exhausted, but she seemed to have regained her usual confident manner.  "What are you thinking about?" she questioned almost shyly as she walked over to the couch. 

Johnny gazed at her for a moment before taking a breath and rising to his feet in front of her.  She watched him warily as he stepped closer, placed his hands against her neck and his thumbs under her chin, and he leaned down to kiss her softly.  Though she didn't respond, she didn't recede either, and he breathed in the scent of her soft vanilla perfume once more before he pulled away.  Without a sound, he again swooped her into his arms and carried her into the dark bedroom.

It started raining around three.  Tapping against the windows, the rain combined with the gentle wind gave a feeling of coziness to the quiet room.  It made the two occupants appreciate each other's company so much more.  Under the pale blue covers, Sonya lay on her side with Johnny spooned against her back, his arm slung protectively over her stomach and his lips brushing her shoulder every so often.  It had been many hours since they had talked, and she still couldn't bring herself to fall asleep.  Whether it was from worry or doubt or bliss, she couldn't be sure.  All Sonya knew was that she had pretty much cleaned her slate with her boyfriend, and he hadn't walked away.

Yet.  

Her fingers traced the mattress before moving to intertwine with his, and she squeezed his hand lightly.  "I never meant to hurt you," she whispered to her sleeping companion.  "I've just lost too much to take things for granted.  But whether or not you choose to leave, as it is your free will to exercise, I will always love you.  I can't lie that it hurts so deeply to see your back to me, and that a world without you is one not worth living."  A sardonic grin curved her lips.  "All this time I've been pushing you away in hopes of becoming less dependent, and all I've succeeding in doing is hurting myself more and more.  I guess it's set in stone that I am cursed to care for you more than I should, even when I know that by loving you too much I'm only preparing myself for a more painful ending.  All good things have to come to an end… don't they?  Regardless, if you do choose to go, I just hope you won't forget me, or our child… the way I'll never be able to forget you."  She squeezed his hand again and shut her eyes as she tried to soothe her burning tears.

"I won't leave."

The lieutenant nearly jumped out of her skin.  "Johnny?" she whispered, almost sharply.

"Yeah?" came the lazy reply.

Her now wide eyes roamed around the room as she steadied her voice.  "How long have you been awake?"

"I never went to sleep."

Sonya blinked.  His breathing had been so even, she had been sure he had drifted off.  "Oh," was all she said in return.  Her cheeks burned in embarrassment that he had heard her confession, and she was thankful her back was to him so he couldn't see.  Only now that left her with the dilemma of what to say next.  Should she question him on what she said, or just drop it all together and hope he would too?  

"Where do you want the child to grow up?" 

Her thoughts were jolted from her mind by the actor's unexpected question.  "What do you mean?" she asked.

There was a quiet chuckle.  "Where do you want to raise the child?  Would you like me to ask it in a different language now?"

Sonya smacked him lightly.  "Oh, shut up, Cage.  The question just threw me."  She took a deep breath.  "And I don't know.  I didn't think about that."  With a slight shift of her body, she settled more into the covers.  "Why?"

Johnny brushed his lips again across her shoulder.  "I need to know where you want to live, so I can make arrangements around that."

"Arrangements?"

"You're with the military, I'm an actor.  Those two jobs don't exactly coincide with each other."  

"You want to go back to LA."

A slight nod was his reply.  He tightened his hold across her stomach and sighed lightly.  "Does that bother you?"

Of course it did… but she wasn't sure if it was wise to mention that.  After all, she had no right to hold him back from a career he enjoyed, even if it did hurt to see him go.  "No," she lied.  "No, it doesn't bother me."

"I want you to come with me."

Now she was surprised.  "Come with you?  Back to LA?  But I live here; my work is here."

"I know.  It would just be better for us if you stayed with me in the States."

A bit of bristling couldn't be helped by the lieutenant.  "And why is it so much better to stay in LA?  Nicer beaches?" she questioned flatly, as a cover for her distaste of his haughtiness.

"Would you willingly give up your military career because of a family?"

Sonya frowned at the random question.  "Not necessarily.  I could handle both; all branches of the military are good that way."

"So is it really fair to make me give up my career so you could have yours?"

The direction this conversation was taking was not the way she wanted to go.  "Is it fair to ask the same of me?" she shot back.

"I'm not asking you to quit," he argued lightly.  "I was hoping there was a base in California where you could request to be stationed.  This way, you would still be a working officer and I could still do my films without traveling."

"Traveling?"

"Most of the shoots are done out of LA.  We really don't need to go on location anymore because of better set designs, and if we do go, it's for no more than a month."  He pulled himself closer to her.  "We'll be close to each other, and I'll still be able to take care of you.  That's what you want, right?" 

"Is that what you want?"

Johnny removed his fingers from hers, lifted his hand up to cup her chin and brought her face to his.  Gently he kissed her and ran a thumb along her jaw.  "That's really all I've ever wanted.  You just never gave me the benefit of the doubt, or the chance to prove it."

For a moment Sonya just closed her eyes and refrained from saying anything.  Then she nodded slightly and questioned him.  "Will you prove it now?"

"Just ask me," Johnny replied, his voice low and soft.

Her hand again found his, and she guided it down to her stomach.  "Swear to me we'll get through this."

Johnny smiled and shifted himself back to lay on his side, his head again on the pillow, his lips again tracing her shoulder.  Only this time he moved closer to her ear, where he whispered his reply.  "I swear it by love."  He kissed her cheek.  "By love, who first did prompt me to inquire; He lent me counsel, and I lent him eyes.  I am no pilot; yet, wert thou as far as that vast shore wash'd with the furthest sea, I would adventure for such merchandise."  His lips pressed to her shoulder.  

Sonya listened intently, a surprised smile forming on her up turned lips and a frown creasing her brow.  "Johnny… what are you--"

"I do love a woman," he whispered with a kiss on her neck.  "She'll not be hit with Cupid's arrow,--she hath Dian's wit; And in strong proof of chastity well arm'd, from love's weak childish bow she lives unharm'd.  She will not stay the siege of loving terms nor bide the encounter of assailing eyes, nor ope her lap to saint-seducing gold: O, she is rich in beauty."  His arm pushed her from her side to her back and his lips kissed her neck before he continued to speak.  "Beauty too rich for use, for earth too dear.  So shows a snowy dove trooping with crows as yonder lady o'er her fellows shows.  The measure done, I'll watch her place of stand, and, touching hers," Johnny paused to lift up their clasped hands, entwined at the fingers, for both to see in the barely lit room.  "Make blessed my rude hand.  Did my heart love till now?  Forswear it, sight!"  His head lifted and he gazed at her.  "For I ne'er saw true beauty till this night."

"Where… where did this come from?" Sonya asked, her voice slightly thick and her eyes slightly bright.  

"You imply I only became an actor from my exquisite fighting skills, or my dashing good looks?" he asked with a raised eyebrow and a smirking grin.

"So… are you saying you can actually act?"  She broke into a soft laugh at his truly insulted expression.  "I'm sorry, I didn't mean that," she soothed with a peck to his lips.  "I just didn't know you could do drama."

"Most people don't."

Sonya frowned.  "Then… why?  If you have the talent, why keep it a secret?"

"Because it's my secret to keep."

"Are you keeping anything else?"

"Yes."

"Are you going to tell me?"

He tipped his head down and kissed her softly.  "I won't leave you," he answered softly, "If you don't push me away.  You have to trust me, or we'll never get anywhere."

Fingers stroked through his hair as she weighed his words.  "I know.  I'm just scared to trust that much so suddenly--"

"Cinch by the inch, hard by the yard.  Take your time, Love.  Don't rush into it like I do, and expect everything to be all right.  I'm patient.  I can wait."

A small nod and a big smile were granted to him.  "Thank you."  She kissed him.  "Let's go to LA."

End!  

Yeah, that got really sappy, didn't it?  Gimme your opinion.  Drop me a note at Demona3870@aol.com and let me know if you liked this or not.  I take all comments, compliments, and critiques, and thank you for reading the story!


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